Tribulations of a Big Dreamer
Like so many creative types out there, I am in a constant battle against my own personal demons, capitalism and my need to pay bills and afford wifi and the fact that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish all the things in life that I want to do, pursue, and create, when I have to work for someone else and pay the bills. I am not unique in this quest for ownership over my time, my ideas, or my income stream. Granted, I don’t know anyone who’s story is exactly like mine, but the themes are similar. Lack of energy, procrastination, fear of failure, embarrassment — sticking your neck out there and putting a new idea into the world is terrifying — the reasons we, the unfulfilled, hold ourselves back are limitless.
Without a doubt, I have abandoned a lot of projects I’ve started over the years, but in the wake of every abandoned idea, the hope has always remained the same. Someday, I will figure out a way to get to stay engaged with my wildly frenetic creative energy for a living. This passion for writing AND photography AND music AND visual art AND education AND the environment would find a home where it could ebb and flow as needed in the moment, and I wouldn’t have to be roped into one activity. Not only could I engage in my own creativity, but also help out other artists in my network. Being a source for good recommendations has always been a great point of pride, as I probably missed my true calling of being an AR rep for a record label, back when that was a real “thing.”
Along the way, through all the new ideas, ideas left behind, ideas tried but failed, ideas paused and hoped to return to later… I’ve also become fascinated by the psychology of it all. The need to believe in yourself, to keep going when you’ve been insulted or discredited, to focus on the boring parts of building something bigger, none of it is as easy as it might seem on the outside. I think this is the true basis of the world of motivational speakers. People need guidance and encouragement from an outside source, because many in your immediate circle will be confused, doubtful, scared for you, or perhaps just made uncomfortable by your drive, and you have to figure out how to solve for that.
I have to forgive myself for all the abandoned ideas, the lack of consistency in my past behaviors, because at 43, I’ve finally learned you can be messy and still be successful. Successful people’s desks are a wreck. They forget appointments, make scheduling errors, make bad judgment calls sometimes. I have spent years waiting for some “evolved & approved” version of myself to be made manifest before I allowed myself to pursue anything I really wanted. No more. More mistakes are coming, and we’re going to plow through those, too.
A production company has always been the best way I can think of to house so many dreams, but I have never had the self confidence or acceptance to move forward with it. Honestly, I only BARELY have enough now. Rather than self-confidence achieved, I’d say not taking failure so seriously, or taking myself so seriously, has been achieved. Part of the process of sharing these ideas so publicly is it forces me to develop deeper and better clarity around all these thought bubbles I’ve got floating around in my imagination. I’m just choosing to stop being my own worst enemy.
