For love and business — my journey thru cancer to the Saturn Sea
It is no secret that I am my father’s daughter — creative, entrepreneurial, rebellious, and adventurous. There hasn’t been a day of my life that I haven’t had the strong will to “do whatever the hell I feel like doing” and nothing more, nothing less. At age 16, I started a housekeeping business, because I already understood the benefits of not allowing a “boss” to determine your worth. In my lifetime I watched my father go from being an employee, nearly starving, in a constant panic to make ends meet, to taking a huge risk and launching his own shop again, becoming the most successful tradesman of his kind in the surrounding area. The evidence was clear from the get go — self employment was the way to go.
Naturally, I got tired of housekeeping and moved on to other things. Since then, I have been the owner or co-owner of two different businesses, the last being a victim of the 2008–9 economic downturn, which ended up sending me back to school. The exhaustion of the ups and downs of self-employment, the growing list of expenses my children were incurring, sent me looking for more security, and I took a job for the State. Insurance, retirement, job protections, a chance to redeem your mistakes… by the time my 30s rolled around, this seemed like the better path, obviously. The following decade, up until today, would be defined by pursuing these goals and values. Security. Guarantees. Salary.
Although I will never look back on my choices with regret, something inside me has never been truly fulfilled. The creator in me has had to take a back seat, something that can only be addressed during my down time. Few things make my skin crawl like neoliberalism and the idea that you’re supposed to be passionately interested in the job you do for money. I will never forgive Steve Jobs for putting this notion out there that we’re all supposed to be spiritually tied to our work. It pisses me off that I’m expected to show up to work every day like its my god given calling and not just something I do for food and shelter. There is no shame in doing a job for food and shelter. The only thing that should matter is whether or not you can do the job, and whether or not you interact with your coworkers in a pleasant way. However, that’s not the reality we’ve allowed to grow around us. If you even imply that you’re “there for the money,” you will be met with pearl clutching and gasps as if they really believed you would keep showing up there every day if you weren’t getting paid.
I don’t like being fake. Not for a second. I’m not a good “fake it till you make it” person. I want to be myself at all moments, fully. No following rules I don’t agree with or understand, no kissing ass to anyone who didn’t earn my respect. There are times it tugs at me more than others, but its never far from my mind that if I was living the life I truly wanted to be, it would be working for myself. I’d never want to spend a single moment worrying about whether or not I was in compliance with all of someone else’s ideals and policies in order to get paid. I could be fully myself while working.
At age 41 I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and underwent a full hysterectomy. After reading my lab work results and finding out it was potentially very, very advanced, the post-op review showed it was a stage 1A tumor. It took weeks before that anxiety was alleviated, though.
A few months later I had my thyroid removed. Recovery has been hell on my mental state and my body. My full voice didn’t return for 6 weeks. Full capability to sing without restraint or voice cracks took 8 weeks. I have to take two daily medications now. What were once voices in my deep subconscious, the little twitch that would tell me there might be a better way, has now become a raging, screaming voice, directly in my ear, impossible to ignore.
So, I did it — I started building my own business again. To add an extra twist to starting a new business during cancer recovery and two major surgery recoveries, I’m also trying to move across the country. My man lives 2000+ miles away, and its also time to go be with him. Mental gymnastics trying to figure out what I can accomplish that is not limited by location is a daily activity.
A part of me kept saying, “Wait until you get there, wait until you get settled to start.” There was also a concern that, if I didn’t start my business before I left, I would easily let another year or two of “getting settled” in my new home go by as I was enjoying my new relationship and learning my new home. Yet that is ultimately just another excuse, while it may sound like a good excuse, still an excuse. There’s always a reason to wait. More road for that can to get kicked down. More fear. More time to figure out how to hold yourself back.
No more. I started a retail gift venture — Saturn Sea Gift Company — where my products and style of business will reflect everything I hold dear in the natural universe.
What started just a few weeks ago now seems like part of my identity, another pet, another family member. Now I am mad at myself for not starting sooner, but what do you do? The internet, tutorials, free educational content — its all so incredible and abundant — if only these things had existed when I was doing my first couple of businesses! Younger me is beyond jealous.
Being short on time is a battle. Fighting constant negative energy, doubting minds, backhanded comments from some of the people who are closest to you, that’s probably the biggest battle. You have to remember that people get uncomfortable when they see you doing something they don’t understand — or worse, when you’re doing something they wish they could be doing but have not yet. They’re still in excuse mode, allowed themselves to be convinced those excuses are legitimate.
Once you fight cancer, face the fear of death straight in the face, old fears become diminished. What used to seem like an insurmountable obstacle, like getting on camera and speaking to a social media audience, because I am terrified of being laughed at, being judged, now seems trivial. People seeing my sagging 40+ skin or extra weight or wrinkles was far too terrifying a concept to consider such a thing.
Failing at a business now seems trivial. Just a calendar year ago, I was too insecure to do 90% of what I’m doing now, yet people observe what I’m doing now and make comments about how I’m just “naturally good at this stuff,” which is amusing, knowing my own internal journey like I do.
“Don’t take criticism from anyone you would take advice,” is such a fantastic one liner piece of advice. I have learned, with much greater consistency, to first filter any shitty comment I get through that lens. Did the criticism or comment come from a happy person? Someone who is fulfilled, living the life they truly want? Is the person commenting on your life really “seeing” you or are they in self-defense mode? Once those questions are answered, the rest becomes very easy.
Not being afraid to fail is perhaps the greatest gift that my cancer battle has bestowed upon me. Fears and doubts that were once paralyzing are now tools in my tool box. I pick them up, observe them, and see how I can use them to break down more barriers for myself.
NOT holding myself back is my new addiction. My store is my new addiction. Quietly laughing at the idea that some of my observers are scratching their head wondering WTF IS SHE DOING is my new addiction. I hope you’re confused, I hope I make you think, I hope I make you question your own excuses. I hope watching someone else fall in love with their own life makes you want to fall in love with yours. Its so precious, its so short. Don’t wait to go through cancer to learn what I learned — you can start today. I am here for you. Let’s do it together.
